Thanks for showing concern or worrying or things like that about before, I know I didn't really sound real great... well, I wasn't doing really great at that time. I think venting about it helped though... it stopped repeating in my head as much. I still get blindsided through most of the day by memories or reminders that she's gone, but it's a little easier not to get sucked down into it. Some days to recover helped the pain and hurt fade a little bit, I think. So that's good, at least! My birthday was pleasant, although it didn't really feel any different than any other day, exactly... it was sort of just like any other day I'd go out to dinner. But that's probably normal as you get older... in the end, that's all it really is. Another day, right? Anyway, it's done with now, so there's not really much more cause to think about it. Had a fun stream the day after as well with everyone.

I always feel like I need more content to really update over here... and usually when I'm working on a Handplates page, I want to get that done before I do anything else. So there's this period of a few days after the page is done and posted where I can do other things before I feel compelled to start work on the next page, and then I end up using those few days to draw OTHER things, and then before I know it, the cycle's started up again without me taking time to put something together over here. I guess it doesn't seem as pressing to write these up since it's a ghost town, although it's nice to know some people still hang around over here and read these, haha. You guys get the SPECIAL INSIDER INFO!! I actually HAVE posted some fairly spoilery stuff here before, I wonder how many people found it? I toss little bits and pieces of future events all over the place, haha.

Anyway, I thought I should probably catch up on the other shorter comics I've drawn since the last time, since it should hopefully be faster to do than typing up the Handplates pages, particularly since a major event just occurred. This will be a mix of Handplates stuff and other things, with some possible talk of Undertale spoilers within! But now you can get Undertale on the PS4, even more reason to play it! Hehehe.

OH heck, to open with, I totally forgot to post this here! I did a quick animatic Flash video for Handplates!

I'd tell you the song choice but I think it's better if you don't know it going in, hehehehe. When I first got this idea I was laughing so hard I had to stop what I was doing for a few minutes, haha. IT REALLY WORKS.

With two variant branches of Mercy going on )

I think that should be everything! Gah that took too long.
zarla: a man lying on a cake (whatismylife)
([personal profile] zarla Aug. 10th, 2017 12:59 am)
Ultramega Ok recordings. 7-7...

String Player Gamer - Undertale - Premonition
DM DOKURO - Undertale - g a r d e n
Desert Catz - Wario Land - Greedbuilt
DigiE, Katskachi - Nier - Kainé (Absolution)
taqumi - Undertale - Nu Dating

Had to fix the songs, the voice should be alright. 7-21...

RichaadEB, Ace Waters - Undertale - Electric Balboa
DAGames - Break My Mind
オオドラ - Undertale - Everyone's Home
Sebastian Mårtensson feat. Kristin Björkebäck - Metroid - Kraid's Campfire Ballad
izna - Undertale - Rug Lags
Play! A Video Game Symphony LIVE! - Sonic the Hedgehog

Break my mind is an original song but it's inspired by a game, I think it counts. I actually forgot how much Home hurts now... it caught me off-guard. 7-28...

Ace Waters - Final Fantasy VIII - Blue Fields
PacificPoem - Final Fantasy II - Heroes of Dawn
糸奇 はな - Undertale - HerTears
ShimaL - Undertale - ASGORE
Martin Leung - Metroid - Seeking Light

The lyrics to HerTears are agonizing. You can find them here. 8-4...

Ro Panuganti - Secret of Mana - Danger!
Ace Waters - Super Mario 64 - File Select
MYTK - Undertale - Waterfall
Meine Meinung - Chrono Trigger - Corridors of Time
GaMetal - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Pursuit ~ Cornered

It's nice to find a real heavy remix of Danger.

The last week or so hasn't been great, in particular the last couple days. I keep getting sucked into grief spirals at almost every turn, it seems like... everywhere I look, everything I think about, everything reminds me of Nana, and then I just get sucked down into this void of despair where worse and worse thoughts collect like some kind of awful katamari. It feels like I have to actively focus and keep my guard up lately to not fall into another one. I think my upcoming birthday probably has something to do with it... Nana was there for all my other birthdays, except the first one I think. But not this one, or any others. There are so many things she didn't get a chance to do, so much stuff she should've gotten, more life she should've got to live, and now it's gone, it's all gone. It's not fair.

Sometimes I just think about older memories I have associated with something... things she would've liked at the store, places I went with her, songs she liked listening to, things she might have said. I saw Sheena and her baby lately, who's up and about and talking now, and I kept thinking of how Nana would have loved to see him and play with him and talk to him, but she'll never get to. Other times I just start reliving the night she died against my will, like it just starts playing in my mind and I can't make it stop, or I just start reliving the whole thing from the beginning of the cancer diagnosis. At one point one spiral started blending into guilt, where I kept thinking of all the things I could've done better, or should've said, or asked, or written down, or ways I could have been more helpful, or moments I could have been more supportive, or every thing I did wrong, or every moment of time with her missed or squandered because I kept thinking there'd be more, or I was too caught up in my own problems.

I still dream about her almost every night. One night, I saw her walking down the street, and she was glowing, and I called to her, but she didn't see me. Last night, me and my cousins had found this replicator, where you could type in what you want and it'd make it for you, and I asked Nana what she wanted from it, but she couldn't think of it, so I kept trying to think of something for her, but I couldn't. I hear her voice in my dreams, I picture hearing her during the day, I stand by the door to her room and imagine her inside, watching TV. I come to my computer when I wake up, thinking maybe she would have left me something by there in case I got hungry like she used to. I find pictures I took of her notes to me in my phone, of things she did before she died. And everytime I slam into that same wall, never again, never again, never ever ever ever. You'll never hear or see her ever again, it's over, it's over, it's over. Haunted by a lifetime of ghosts, everywhere I go, everything I do. When it starts happening, I have to wrench my thoughts away to something else so forcefully it's like yanking a steering wheel, and even that doesn't always work. If it's not her, I keep thinking of Carroway, or how she used to pet Carroway, or the names she used to call him, or how he used to sit by me at the computer...

I was trying to think of something to do for my birthday this year, aside from going to a nice restaurant for dinner, and I tried to think of things that made me happy, and I couldn't think of anything. It's hard to even remember being happy. I try to remember things I used to feel excited about, or some kind of activity that I'd enjoy, and I can't think of anything. It's like something in me is broken. I reached a major milestone, a personal goal I'd made months and months ago just yesterday in my stupid webcomic, and I can't even feel any sense of accomplishment about that... I thought I'd feel proud of myself, I thought there'd be something like some big triumphant feeling but I just feel like I let everyone down. I keep going but it's like I'm drawing or talking from a million miles away, on autopilot.

There's a lot of aches and pains, I'm tired. There's always too much noise, it feels like. I also broke my headphones by accident so now only one side works. I ordered a new pair, but they won't get here until the end of the month. I tried another pair but they made my head hurt too much, so now I'm just settling for hearing half of music.

I know I usually don't feel too hot when it's around my birthday, so I'm hoping maybe this downturn is related to that, and it'll pass eventually. I don't know. I wish I had better news.